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Saturday, October 31, 2009

Halloween? Or am I living in a letter to Penthouse?

Most days I am confident in reality. I mean after watching the Matrix I was a bit concerned that maybe I am actually floating in some nasty amniotic fluid being a battery for a machine. However, for the most part I go through each day unconcerned that fate is actually written against me.

That is until Halloween time. Between shopping through Halloween superstores, massive amounts of candy, and confusing costumes I am worried that perhaps my reality is being written by a 31 year man who lives in his mom's basement in a letter to Penthouse magazine.

The thought first arrived while shopping for my Halloween costume. I entered a huge Halloween superstore prepared to find humorous or scary outfit. I browsed though the aisles and bins and found fuzzy hand cuffs, garter belts, whips, platform shoes, fishnet stockings, reins, and masks. Hmmmm.... Personally I found none of these useful for a Halloween costume unless I was going as a walking fetish. Now think of this situation as a man in his mom's basement... Yes, this is exactly how every 20 something year old girl shops, in fact this is exactly what she needs and is looking for....

Next, if you are a middle-aged man, reeking of cheetos and virginity, what else do you write?

Candy... and short skirts...
Well there is just about everything else I have come across while looking for a Halloween costume. Personally I wanted to be a ninja. However, in ladies sizes I found sexy nurse, fairy, witch, school teacher, pirate, nun, maid, devil, angel, star trek lady (this was a big hint), cat, and several other variations which actually were just lingerie. Then I realized, this entire time I hadn't found any costumes with pants. Or with necklines above my collar bone. Or that wouldn't require several sets of lunges.

As I write this it is only 8:14pm on Halloween, and as I am convinced that this dude's letter probably isn't over yet I can only cringe to think of what is next. I have to attempt to think like a creeper. So ideally this night is going to involve one of said costumes, as I haven't bought one yet I can only guess how I’ll get one. Maybe I'll just go out in my bra and underwear and put on cat ears? Next I have to be seen in my "costume" so I'll have to go to a party with other scantily clad girls. Finally, they wouldn't sell all that other stuff in the Halloween store if you weren't supposed to use it on Halloween, so.....

On second thought I think I am going to put on my soccer sweats, watch the matrix and pray that I am actually just a human battery in amniotic fluid.

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