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Saturday, October 24, 2009

A week of D bags

So every week I feel like I am being assaulted by douches. I mean not like physically assaulted, I would prefer that as then I could file a law suit and make money. I mean their physical being makes my life worse. This week has been real special as everyday I was confronted with a new and even more irritating example.

1) The professor douche
This is one of the most frustrating as this d bag actually has a say in my future. First off I am currently enrolled in this class (organic chemistry) because I don't know anything about it, and I am here to learn. That said, when you write an equation on the over head in your terrible hand writing and Bromine is missing in the products I have no idea what happened to that Bromine. Then when someone asks where the Bromine is and you scoff and say "organic chemists never include salts in the product." I want to throw something at you. Why would I already know that? If I was an organic chemist, why would I be in this class?! For all I know the Bromine fairy came down and shoved all the bromine in her pants!

Deep breath there is still more

2) The gross douche
This person makes me sick every other morning. Each day in class he clears his throat like 15 times. Not just a small "ahem" either, like a hacking, phlegm ball making, disgusting noise right behind my head. One it is really gross sounding. Two it is really distracting. Three it makes me think, "oh God please don't spit on me, where is all this phlegm going? Is he swallowing it? BLA BLA BLA." (That last part is me vomiting).

3) The know it all (who is always wrong) douche
Now I am a know it all. I pride myself in having a pretty good memory. However there is always that person who thinks that they know something and are always wrong. It is infuriating. Here is the situation at the coffee shop:

Douche: What do you mean you don't take cash? Isn't it illegal not to take cash....?
Me: Sorry this is an anarchist coffee shop (queue laugh track)
Douche: What is this Russia?!
Me: What? Really? No if this was Russia I would have said we were communists. If this was Russia you would be waiting in line for bread not your lame white mocha with extra whip.

Ok so that last bit I said in my head, but you get the idea.

4) The creepy stalker douche
Finally, and closest to actually allowing me to file a law creepy neighbor! This douche lives two doors down (yeah three doors down would have been better cause then I could have made fun of them too). I first met him at a party, where he was hitting on anything with two legs and boobs. I barely fit this criteria at the time (my leg was broken), but did that stop him from talking way too close? No, no it did not, and he smelled terrible and did not get the hint, even when I started texting while he was talking. Then there was a couple weeks ago when he broke in to my apartment and ranted about my roommate parking is his spot, when in fact it was another neighbor. This week, and all other weeks, he comes to the coffee shop every morning I work and orders a mountain dew. Yeah, mountain a coffee shop...

So that is only four examples, but by the end of the week I was so fed up with people I just had to be a bitch to everyone.


  1. I hate the creepy stalker. I am going to bean him on his Neanderthallic head with one of the leftover rock bagels any day now... An onion one. See if he dares to come back and order his mountain dew in a size we don't actually have. Douchetard.

    Guess... Just Guess who I am... Haha.

    Yes, neanderthallic is a word.

  2. HA HA HA HA HA HA! Awesome, I also like how you are going to use the grossest bagel we have