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Friday, February 5, 2010

Be Mine (that is an effing order)

Okay deep breath... Valentine's day... there that wasn't so bad (bla bla bla), alright need to practice keeping my food down while thinking of Valentine's Day. I am working on it. Honestly, it took me a lot to think of anything to actually say about Valentine's Day. I mean of course there is the Catholic school angle, "this is a holiday about a martyr who married people while in prison for being Christian." However then I thought, married people in prison? Maybe he wasn't that great of a guy after all. He got sainthood and a holiday for that? I mean I am pretty sure I could do that... Anyway, then I thought about the "Hallmark hates you side," and that was just too obvious. Yeah, we all know that all holidays are secular and that Hallmark and Hershey’s are out to get us, enough. Actually, I am surprised by the industries which aren't cashing in on Valentine's Day.

First off... The single serving cake producers. You have seen the commercials for "Warm Delights" a microwavable cake. Basically if you find this item in your house it means you are too lazy to add water and an egg to cake mix and wait 30 minutes. It also is a good indicator that you are going to be at home with Mr. Meowsie for Valentine's Day. Probably counting down the seconds on the microwave till your chocolate covered sadness is done. If I were marketing these I would be all over Valentine's Day. Picture the ad, a woman (attractive, like way too good looking to ever ingest one of these) reading a romance novel in her apartment. She hears the beep of a microwave. A handsome man swaggers into the room, lovingly pets a near by kitten, and offers her a microwaved cake. She takes a bite in ecstasy. Bam, lonely cat ladies everywhere are eating instant fat and sugar faster than you can say "eats her emotions."

Second target demographic... Young (read: stupid) lovers. What industry needs to cash in on this? Plan B. Valentine's Day is like the second most popular day to cash in that V card (a close second to prom). Also, who is stupider than overly romantic teenagers? No one. Plan B needs to jump on this shit, else maybe the maternity ward should put out ads right around Thanksgiving. Again, I think that this sells itself, but the ad could be so classy... a young woman (probably mid twenties, but hell it might as well be a thirteen year old) wakes up in a bed with rose peddles everywhere. She looks out the window, and at the vase of roses on the window seal. Then the narrator says, "Even perfect nights can seem unplanned, so have a Plan B." I mean really, perfection in a commercial form.

Finally, school counselors, and psych drugs. I know they usually don't have ads (well the counselors), but if they did this would be the time. I can honestly not think of a more insane time then attempting to make Valentine's for all my classmates in the 5th grade, while simultaneously trying to reveal to my crush (Corey Jamroz, yeah I still remember, bitter? no not all, and not crazy either) my "un faltering devotion" for him. That is stressful, and it also would be easier if I had taken some Ritalin to give me more energy. Or even better some Zoloft for when I get a "You are a great friend" Valentine from boy crush that the girl next to me also got. Now that I think of it, if the people who sell candy grams could just also sell anti depressants they would make a killing after Valentine's Day (for all those girls who didn't need the plan B).

I guess now that I think of it Valentine's Day isn't that horrible. Now that I can go out to bars, maybe this is just the perfect excuse to drink away my singleness (but please roofies are not necessary, red bull and jager works just fine).

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