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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The '00s Years of the Hos

The end of a year is a time to reminisce. However this isn't just any end of the year, this is the end of the decade. Granted, 2009 isn't quite as cool as 1999, but I mean end of a millennium, when is that going to happen again? (Right I know 2999 thanks) Anyway, I have taken it upon myself to research* the finest news sources to find out what the '00s were actually all about. Sure there was a Large Haldron Collider, scientists found the link between a virus and cancer, and it was determined humans are responsible for penguin deaths. However, none of these things defined the decade. What really mattered for the people of '00s was one thing... hoes (fo sho).

*also can be translated as watching 12+ hours of VH1 countdown shows hung-over

Let's start at the beginning, 2000. This was a transition year; the American public was realizing that 90210 and Melrose Place only featured fictional hos. What everyone really wanted was real life hoes to watch. Luckily Paris Hilton had just been kicked out of the boarding school and Tara Reid was still in movies. As the decade progressed the prevalence and level of hoedom increased. Reality TV was the real catalyst for the decade of hoery. Big Brother allowed for people to watch hos at anytime and nearly always inebriated.

Soon enough all of television was ho friendly thanks in a large part to The Simple Life. Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton provided young girls everywhere with a model of what it is like to be vapid and horny. Soon enough the Bratz dolls were introduced and little girls everywhere could then fully imagine being functionally retarded in mini skirts.

To illustrate this progression from child to ho, one must look to Lindsey Lohan (also note 'ho' spelled backwards in her surname). In 2000, Lindsey was a Disney darling and freckled red head. In 2004, Lindsey starts having a series of car and car related accidents, yet is still in films like Herbie Fully Loaded and the oddly prescient Mean Girls. By 2006, Lindsey attends her first AA meeting and begins to show the public why male ho Brandon Davis dubbed her "Fire Crotch." 2007 was big, Lindsey checked into rehab... for the third time. Finally in 2009, Lindsey had a lesbian lover, a DUI, cocaine possession charges, and 84, count 'em 84, minutes in jail.

As the decade wore on, other people who would normally be considered harmless douchebags realize they could become famous for being aggressive class B hobags. Kim Kardashian best illustrates this phenomena. She is currently famous for no apparent reason, however does have a big ass and a so-so sex tape with male hoe Ray J (also questionable why he is a "famous" rapper maybe? cause of a sex tape with Kim Kardashian? Then is that like a chicken/egg question? But I digress). Flavor Flav and Brett Michaels introduced the world to a wide variety of terrible humans and possibly a new generation of super venereal diseases. Moreover, these shows lead to more hobags getting their own shows; such as, I love New York, A Real Chance at Love, Daisy of Love, and anything else on VH1 that appears offensive to all five senses.

Music also took a more ho friendly approach. Christina Aguilara stepped out of her already questionable good girl status to down right raunchy. Between the Stripped tour and "Diirty" there was no question that she was a hoe fo sho (I know I already used this joke, but really did you see that video?! She couldn't even say Ms. Jackson she was so nasty, she simply referred to Janet as Ma'am). Britney Spears shed her "wHOlesome" image for full on slut in the '00s. Britney even took it one step ahead to go batshit insane in the middle of the decade. Coochie shots, two weddings, binge drinking, and one head shaving propelled Britney past the level of ho to something that spells the end of the American Dream (read: UBERHOES).

However the '00s (which I would like to be pronounces as "oo-OO!" see Amy Poehler in Baby Mama) are pretty much gone. So take the next day, ho it up Audrina Patridge style and then prepare for the next decade. Ideally, I think we probably have to get more depraved. However you never know, maybe the next day will be the decade of purity (I mean lets hope not, but it could happen, look at the Jonas brothers)

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