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Thursday, December 17, 2009

Mormon Missionary Plan

"Ding-dong." You walk to your front door wondering, "Who rings door bells? All my friends just walk in." Then slowly realization sets in, only one group rings doorbells and travel in groups of two... Mormons. However this epiphany only sets in after you begin twisting the knob. Suddenly two extremely attractive Mormon boys are handing you a book of Mormon and hiding grimaces when you mention your Catholic (I swear they specially breed the ones that go door to door, they are just too pretty). When you try to get them to go away politely, they take that as, "look at this silly girl, we should ask to come inside." This has happened to me...twice. Such awkward interactions force me to think, "I need a plan for when this happens again." Clearly they know that I cannot pass up opening my door when the door bell rings, so here are my (rough) plans.

1)"Ding-Dong" Answer the door... begin asking questions. Are you wearing your special underwear, can I see them? Can you explain this business of anyone who isn't white being a "child of Cain?" Joseph Smith wrote this book based on "seer stones" so are you guys magicians? Why did Jesus come to America after His death in 33 AD, so he could...? Have you read Under the Banner of Heaven? I imagine after this and copious amount of caffeine I would be offering they would quickly run away. Possible downside, the amount of time I would spend talking to them and risking them actually defending any of this.

2) "Ding- Dong" Answer the door... clutching a copy of Breaking Dawn. Then proceeding to make the two missionaries to explain in detail every aspect of this "book" to me. Then suggesting re-enacting key scenes from the "novel," as I offer them homemade "Bella wombs" (yeah that shit actually exists). Or suggesting we all make an offer to the Cullen family shrine I made. Two Mormon boys (actually probably just any and all boys) back away. Possible downsides... First, also having to suffer through talking about Breaking Dawn. Second, lurking through the dark part of the internet which a "Bella's Womb" would be sold (you didn’t think I would actually make such a thing did you?).

3)"Ding-dong" Answer the door... in nothing but my underwear. Lean against my door way, arms akimbo, click my high heels. Watch as two good Mormon boys slowly back away blushing. If I have learned one thing it is that missionary boys will not know what to do when confronted with a girl only in her undies except possibly propose a marriage. I also like adding the accessory of a martini to this plan. Possible downsides to this plan, if it actually is the neighbor boys or landlady ringing my doorbell.

Now that I look at my options, three is definitely the winner. It takes the least amount of preparing, allows me to walk around the house in my underwear (sorry roommate), and enjoy gin. I think I'll start doing some lunges and sit ups now.

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