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Tuesday, August 3, 2010


Well hello there gentle blogophiles, my name is Jack (with a C) and I'm here to discuss a terrifying part of life that haunts us as we go off to our college adventures. No, not our illegitimate high school offspring (I'm not nearly cool enough for that...yet), I am talking about immunizations, or the records of them at least. For most, these forms are simply passed from sadistic pediatricians to elementary schools to high schools and so on, so unless you are some backwoods prodigy who can still contract mumps, I'm not here to judge, this is a fairly straight forward process. That is unless a rather bizarre set of circumstances cause you to live in a depressing version of a Rube Goldberg machine like I do.
It's a well known fact that I panic under pressure, so during registration the last thing I want to see is that little caution symbol that warns of impending holds (me). Cue nausea, but it's all ok, it's just immunizations. Now imagine a very lazy pediatric nurse who loathes archiving, the fact that I have two siblings, and a high school that couldn't give two shits about whether the students could survive a polio outbreak. Mix 'em together with a dash of nitpickyness and voila, my immunization record lists my shots as having occurred two years before my birth and I'm labeled the fraudulent, disease riddled kid who took a semester off (it wasn't Rubella, swear). While I like to think maybe my parents signed on for preconception vaccinations, I must face that this is not some fairy land where science cures diseases before the kid can get it. So now I have to attempt to vandalize my record so it doesn't look fraudulent, that or, I dunno, switch to one of those religions that don't allow vaccines (like mormonism, right?). Basically I get to choose between going to prison for fraud or for practicing Islam. AMERICA!

*for the record this is not me chanting a popular "hip-hop" song lyrics, rather screaming in fear and should be read as such.

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